I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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