He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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