I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
