that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
In other news, I just burned my penis
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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