You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
we should paint friendship bongs
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
