I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
