when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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