We won't sleep together?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
