I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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