There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
