You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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