It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
the liver wants what the liver wants
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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