First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
