Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
