38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
