God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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