You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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