Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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