Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
