How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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