She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize