Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
