Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
and she was petting her beer can
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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