He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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