Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
