seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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