Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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