I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
