I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
