dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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