Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
