After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
