woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
