Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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