when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
