I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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