fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
