I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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