remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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