My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
