Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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