Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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