Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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