i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
