When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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