We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
