If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
