I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Randomize
