Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
