my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
