God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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