i will never coherently bang her
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
This is classic penis vs brain.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
