Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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