Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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