i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
