I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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