I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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