9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
