so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
