mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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