false alarm. still invincible.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Let the clothes fall where they may.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
