Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Blood and glitter go together right?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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