I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
