do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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