is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
