good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
