is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
